Untitled

Chicano poet sits down to write

Pluma en mano

Empty page

Heart full of dolor y Amór

Dodgers game is about to start

Chicano poet will write mañana

Didn’t Want To, But I Did

I didn't want to write my Morning Pages today. 

I woke early and lay in bed, thinking and thinking about how I should get up and get started on my Morning Routine. Laying there, thinking of how it was the perfect opportunity to rise and shine before the sun and get started. 

But I just lay there. Thinking. 

I did so many other things when I did finally get up. I made breakfast, coffee, fed the kid, walked the dog, fed the dog, spot cleaned the kitchen, started to listen to a podcast, and more. I did so many other things, but I didn't sit down and do my Morning Pages. I didn't want to. I really didn't want to. 

But then I didn't have anything else to do after I did everything else. So I opened my journal, clicked my Pilot G-2 07 pen with the black ink, and slogged through my three pages. 

Then it was over. 

I did it. I did my Morning Pages. I showed up at the page and wrote. Even though I really didn't want to. Didn't feel like it. Was dreading the idea of even starting. I did it. I wrote and wrote and wrote all three pages of freeform writing. 

Maybe they were a benefit, maybe they weren't. But it isn't for me to judge or think about what they do, or don't do. Maybe it's nothing at all, or maybe it's something. That isn't the point. The point is to just show up at the page. Ignore them, delay them, be angry with or love them. Show up at the page. 

I did my Morning Pages today. 

Try It

Just try.

I don’t want to.

Please.

Why?

Because I’m asking you to.

That’s not a reason.

Because I think it will help.

Help, what?

Help you.

But what if it doesn’t?

Maybe it won’t, maybe it will. But how will you know until you try?

I don’t know how.

I’ll show you.

You’ve done it?

I have. Lots of times.

And it worked?

Most of the time.

What happened the other times?

I just tried again.

And?

And then I did it again… You’re still thinking about it?

I’m worried it won’t work. I’m worried I won’t like it. What if it hurts?

Some times it does.

It does?

It does. But when it does, you keep doing it and then eventually it doesn’t hurt so much anymore.

What if I like it and don’t want to stop?

Would that be a bad thing?

What if I can’t stop?

Would that be a bad thing?

But… I don’t remember how.

I’m here. I’ll help you.

….

Okay, I’ll do it.

Are you sure?

If you’ll help me.

I will. I’m here.

… Okay.

Ready?

Ready.

Close your eyes. Breathe In… 2, 3, 4. Hold for 4.. 2, 3, 4. And, Out.. 2, 3, 4.

Again, In… 2, 3, 4. Hold for 4… 2, 3, 4. And, Out… 2, 3, 4.

How do you feel?

I think I want to cry.

Okay.

I feel… like I want to do it again. Is that okay? Will you do it with me?

Of course. I’m here.

Thank you, Heart. I missed you.

I missed you too.

Today

I just don’t have it today.

I don’t have the words to write something creative, or fun, or in any way at all interesting.

I don’t have the energy, haven’t had it for the last few months, to come to this page and these little black keys and let my brain unload. It’s just not there.

I don’t have the ideas or the thoughts or well thought out plans to complete a project, or a sentence, or pull a Yellow Pages commercial and “Let your fingers do the walking.” Dating myself much?

I know I should be here. I should show up. Here.

On this blank digital page and let the words type out in digital black ink and type away and let the words simply flow out of me and fly away forever. I know I can look at this page and create a sentence, a paragraph, all in a breath and leave it out there to take up space in the digital cloud. My words, digital rain in a digital cloud.

But I just don’t have it, today.

Because I want to write and let my voice be heard in your head as you read this and let you know I’m still here. I’m still writing. I’m still thinking and feeling and breathing. One breath after another. Over and over again. Minute by minute. I’m still here.

For a person who made his living standing in front of others, speaking and projecting and reciting, today has no energy to sigh.

But I’m still here. Watching the news, scrolling the feeds, scanning the horizon for, what am I looking for? Hope? Inspiration? A message from thundering clouds, sent to a burning bush, purposeful spring water from a broken rock telling me to keep looking up because we can still make it, til we make it. Just keep going.

Because even though I don’t have it today, tonight is coming.

So is tomorrow. Then the next day.

You got this. I believe in you.

I Want To See It

I want to see the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

I want to walk around it’s white marble and leaning arches and pretend like I’m holding it up with one hand. 

I want to see the Eiffel Tower.

I want to ride the elevator up and up and up into the sky while watching the City Of Light become smaller as I rise.

I want to see the Roman Colosseum. 

I want to walk where people once gathered to watch the spectacle of combat and imagine the Naumachiawhere the Colosseum would be flooded and naval battles held. 

I want to swim in the cerulean waters of Santorini

I want to feel the cool waters all around me and watch the white and blue and pink palette of colors on the buildings bob onshore. 

I want to see the world. 

Hear its natural sounds in the jungles and mountains. Hear the sound of a toucan call, an elephant in the distance, the crack of a glacier. 

I want to eat in cafés. 

I want to look at a menu and not know what any of it means. Then order something and enjoy the new flavors and aromas and leave not knowing what I even ate. 

I want to meet new people. 

I want to walk down a new street looking for, nothing. Then meet a local who can point me in the right direction. 

I want to learn new words. 

Food words. Swear words. Words that I can use. Some I probably shouldn’t. Words to describe the sunset. Words to say Hello/Goodbye/Thank you for letting me visit. 

I want to do all of these and more. 

But what I want to see the most, right now, is for all of us to remember to take care of each other.

To Stay Home.

             Wash our hands.

                  Wear a mask.

                     Stay 6 feet apart.

Until this, all of this, gets better. So we can see it all together.