Today

I just don’t have it today.

I don’t have the words to write something creative, or fun, or in any way at all interesting.

I don’t have the energy, haven’t had it for the last few months, to come to this page and these little black keys and let my brain unload. It’s just not there.

I don’t have the ideas or the thoughts or well thought out plans to complete a project, or a sentence, or pull a Yellow Pages commercial and “Let your fingers do the walking.” Dating myself much?

I know I should be here. I should show up. Here.

On this blank digital page and let the words type out in digital black ink and type away and let the words simply flow out of me and fly away forever. I know I can look at this page and create a sentence, a paragraph, all in a breath and leave it out there to take up space in the digital cloud. My words, digital rain in a digital cloud.

But I just don’t have it, today.

Because I want to write and let my voice be heard in your head as you read this and let you know I’m still here. I’m still writing. I’m still thinking and feeling and breathing. One breath after another. Over and over again. Minute by minute. I’m still here.

For a person who made his living standing in front of others, speaking and projecting and reciting, today has no energy to sigh.

But I’m still here. Watching the news, scrolling the feeds, scanning the horizon for, what am I looking for? Hope? Inspiration? A message from thundering clouds, sent to a burning bush, purposeful spring water from a broken rock telling me to keep looking up because we can still make it, til we make it. Just keep going.

Because even though I don’t have it today, tonight is coming.

So is tomorrow. Then the next day.

You got this. I believe in you.

I’m Writing This Because

This is how I want to end 2019.

Typing away on my keyboard and letting thoughts flow out of me like, what I wish was water from a broken dam, but in reality is like sap from a tree in the dead of Winter.

But the words come out and flow and drip and play with my cursor and keep going because that’s how I want to end this year. Writing. Typing. Flowing and moving and earning them ‘writing gains, bro!’.

I’m writing now because I didn’t yesterday, or the day before, or the day before that. But I did my journal, and my One Question A Day journal and I typed word on this computer but for someone else, not me.

These words are for me now. Because this is how I want to end 2019 and start 2020.

Writing.

So I type and try not to think about the words that are on the page and worry about what the meaning is or how they’ll be interpreted and taken and thought about. I type and let my fingers flow onto the little black keys with the little white symbols that, when struck, will turn in to some meaning and some words or paragraphs or stuff.

Because I want to write. This is why I’m doing this today.

2019 was a year of successes and failures. Hard ones. Both of those. So now it’s coming to an end, but the forward movement won’t. Because I’m writing this. Today. Right now. At the end of 2019 and in to the beginning of 2020.

Writing my New Year into manifestation, existence, purpose, being, doing, happening. Adelante!

So with a tip of my hat, if I was wearing one, and a nod of my head I lift my Christmas gifted Glencairn glass of Hibiki Japanese Harmony whisky and say,

‘Thanks 2019. For all the love and pain and Art and laughter and lessons. Thank you for pointing out to me the things I still need to work on in me, my Art, my heart and mind. Thank you for the time.’

And this is why I’m writing this. To say ‘Goodbye’ to 2019 and ‘Hello’ to 2020. But I’m putting it in writing. With my fingers and keys and cursor flying across the white plains of the pixeled paper.

Writing it. Doing it. Because it’s time. Time to write these words and many more to come. Because 2020 is almost here and there is no better time to write than now.

This Work Is Real

The glitter and shine of Christmas decorations are up all around the county and people are smiling a little brighter at one another. Letting the pedestrians cross in the crosswalks, tipping their baristas, keeping spoilers to The Crown and The Mandalorian to themselves.

Life is moving forward. Shopping is being done, plans are being made to visit families and Bad Romance plays through the speakers in Phil’z Coffee on Bristol Street.

I’m watching experiences happen because I’m on a break before I start my next performance tonight. I’m closing out this year working as an Actor. Professionally. That’s right, getting paid to play dress-up and pretend to be someone else. Actually, pretending to be two other people. From another time. Another place.

Earning a paycheck, adding to my pension, paying my taxes, social security, buying groceries, putting gas in my car. While I’m doing all of this, it makes me think about all those people who look at us doing this work and ask us about “Real Jobs.” And I just laugh.

I laugh, because the creative work I do  feels more ‘real’ than any other work I’ve done. This work is my truth, my art, my heart and soul bared onto a page for others to read, on a stage for others to see. It’s the only work I’ve done where I feel most like myself. Even when I’m dressing up in costumes and pretending to be other people.

This work is real because it exposes truth, feelings, love, dreams, heart and soul. It’s real because others can see themselves in it. Their lives. Their reality.

And isn’t that what we want? To be seen? Someone to see the ‘real’ us and say, ‘me too’.

This work is real. This staged pretend work brought forth from imagination and suspended disbelief, under lights and choreographed and sung and dressed up. This glorious work. This heartbreaking work. This beautiful reality of ours. We Creators.

 

Don’t Avoid It

I did a show, years back, and met a lot of people. I was young and full of ganas. I met a guy, who had the role I actually wanted, and I was a bit jealous of him.

But we became friends. Years later, we still know each other. We’ve done several shows together. He even recommended me for a role on a T.V. show he was on. I got to do that show and had a great time.

Another time, I did another show. I met a guy, I meet a lot of people, and he was cast in the role(s) I helped originate in the show. A part of my brain was jealous, even started comparing what I did to what he was doing. You’ve done it too, don’t lie. As time went on and rehearsals became performances, we talked and laughed and he found out I want to play a Firefighter someday.

He said he was happy to know that, because that opportunity will come up someday and he will be there to help make it happen. More importantly, I found out we had a great connection and I gained a great friend.

The point is, I could’ve played the typical Actor and pretended I had it “all figured out”. That I didn’t need anyone’s help and I didn’t need to make friends. I would have been so wrong.

Don’t waste time in this business not making friends. I don’t mean, and this is important, friends you can use. I mean friends that matter. Friends that make you better.

I’ve been able to help some friends I’ve met in this business. Recommended them for jobs, or put them in touch with other creatives who they should know. I know they will continue to help me. Because that’s what friends do. They celebrate each other’s success.

Find some friends and celebrate this great business we’re in. Because it’s too much fun to enjoy it alone.

Doing Something

I’m so lost.

I have a gig coming up and it’s a good one. One I did last year and one I had a lot of fun doing. One might say, it was a snowstorm of fun. A gift of fun. Something that I had been trying to do for a long time, and I finally got to do it. I did a job, had a lot of fun and got paid for it. So I have that to look forward to.

The only thing is, I don’t have anything for after that gig. I auditioned for something. Something cool. Something that was intriguing and exciting. I got really far in the audition process and thought, for sure, I was going to get the role. Even had other people telling me I was going to book it. I would’ve put money on it.

But it’s been two weeks since I sent in my Callback videos and nothing. Not a peep. I mean, I knew I was still in the running about a week ago. But today, nothing. No news, this time, is not great news.

So I’m lost. Equity has no auditions coming up. Nothing is in the works. There are no projects happening. I’m lost.

Which is why I’m writing this. Because even though I’m about to start another gig that takes me to Christmas Eve, and I don’t have anything after that, I am writing to do something. Because if I want to be something and do something, I have to do something to become something. That’s a lot of something. But hopefully my meaning comes across.

If my dreams are going to come true, I need to do an activity that will make them happen. So today, on a day when I feel lost and a little rejected, when I feel tired and nostalgic about jobs past, when I feel nervous about what’s to come, I write it out. Because that’s doing something.